I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
