This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
