Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
