I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
