sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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