I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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