The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
