i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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