its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
