You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
