I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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