as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
