Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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