Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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