I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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