Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
