I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
