No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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