shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Randomize
