I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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