did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
