I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
