walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
did i walk over a car last night?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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