It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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