His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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