maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Randomize
