Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
