I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
