My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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