1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
