Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
