Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
