I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
