someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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