don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
