My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I wish there were birth control emojis
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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