Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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