I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
