Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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