If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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