oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
