Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
