Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
