I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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