how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
