I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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