I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
