Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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