i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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