Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
