I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
