First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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