Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Blood and glitter go together right?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
